I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
