phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
