You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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