Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
