my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
