Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
