Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
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She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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