Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
