I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
