I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
