Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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