i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
