my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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