I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
