I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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