just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
