Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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