the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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