so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
