Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
