I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
