I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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