I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I still have a little drunk in my system
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
