It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
