I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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