And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
