so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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