My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My feet surprised me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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