the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
