He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
