Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
