I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
