He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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