dude i'm inner monologue high
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
