I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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