True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
