Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
