Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
