a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
