I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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