just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
