walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
