Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
