The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
3 2 1 whiskey
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
