Pappa wants mamma naked
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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