I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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