i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
