I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
