She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
