Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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