she looked like the before picture.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
