So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
