so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
