New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
