I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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