I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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